You got the making down - now let's work on the pouring.

You're looking at the Black and Decker DCM2000B Coffee maker.

Here's the description: Designed for extracting the rich flavor of coffee, the wide spread showerhead saturates coffee grounds evenly while an eclosed brewing system ensures a superior brewing process. Sneak-A-Cup interrupt feature

Sounds pretty good, right? And the description, while well-written, leaves out an important point: It spills when it pours.

All over the place. In fact, people at my office have to walk to the sink and pour their cup over it in order not to get it on the carpet - and no matter how slowly you pour it, how quickly you pour it, if you do the ol' Mel's Diner waitress pour - you know, you put the pot shoulder high and let it flow into the cup - it spills.

Obviously, this was made for construction people and the like - because when it comes down to it - those people don't really give a crap if they're spilling coffee on a construction site or in the living room on the expensive carpet in the home they're remodeling - but in the office - deal breaker.

Now, Black and Decker makes some really great products, I hear, (I haven't actually used one), and I pulled some together for you:

"Jaws of Life" Jr.

"The Storm Station" - for the men who want to watch the big game
 - they can make it hail, I suppose

Even I know what this is - it's a hole drillerer

This is what a trip to the emergency room for me looks like

All great products, I guess, but these are instruments of destruction - designed to bore, cut and tear and rescue an infant out of a burning toy push car, but when it comes to making a coffee pot that doesn't spill like a low-level gangster gone state's evidence - not so good.

So thank you, Black and Decker, thank you for giving men, woman, DIY'ers and lesbians the tools they need to do the work I will hire them for - but while they're sweating in the midday sun, cutting, boring, ripping, or saving little Johnny from his Playskool push car with The Jaws of Life Jr., I will be pouring a nice cup of coffee from my Euro-made coffee pot. Grazia.

Auto-murder-motive

Here's where my mechanic lives. Nice ain't it? It should be - I paid for it.

That's because my car is a total POS (Piece of shit). No, no, no, it is, and I'm OK with that - in fact, I've known this for quite some time now. There isn't a day that goes by I hear something new rattling around under the dash - I think it's under the dash - god knows I've tried to find it/them - and when I can't find them I employ the ol' bang on things until it stops - it usually doesn't work but it sure helps get out some of the daily stress, that's for sure.

One of the most charming things about my car is that it starts just a little over 82% the first time you turn the key. Eventually, it starts. But the first few hundred times it didn't, my heart dropped like my oil pan did one day, but really, you get over it and now it's pretty funny - I laugh, I say, "You piece of shit" under my breath, and go about my day.

Here's how you know your car is a POS:

The bill from the state to renew your license is only 45 bucks because it is so old they waive the emission testing because they know you're going to fail

Your car is the one everyone wants to take when going to a concert downtown and the only parking is on the street

People stop and ask you if you got hurt in the car accident when there wasn't one

The last thing you're worried about are speed cameras because there ain't no way you're going over the limit and if you are - you're endangering yourself

You're praying that, after turning the car off while at the shop it starts for the dude so he can actually fix it

I began to realize that I, my car, had a problem when my band mates refused to drive in it on the freeway - of course, the brakes were down to the numbs, so I really can't blame them - it stopped, there was a lot of metal on metal grinding - but it stopped - of course, that coincided with the brakes completely failing - as I was trying to stop for a red light - in the middle of traffic - but hey, luckily I've seen a lot of chase scenes and used the emergency brake to stop. Yeh, that was exciting.

How bad is my car - I pulled together some examples of cars that were just a bit better than mine.

Better than my car - they're Hillbillies so it's pretty embarrassing

Better than my car - and I don't have to
use my feet to stop. NOW.

Better than my car - except for the poop

Going to the shop, yeh - good times. I now have a tail light out - and the dance between me and the mechanic will begin:

Me: Yeh, I have a tail light out and need it repaired.
Mechanic: No problem, while it's here I'll check out for any other proble...
Me: NOOOO!
Mechanic: Uh...
Me: No, don't worry your little gear head over that - just fix the tail light, thanks....
Mechanic: OK, bu....
Me: Yeh. thanks, pick up later...

You see, there are soooo many other problems with the car - that every single time I bring it in it costs me $400.

Oil change: $400 (That's because the radiator had a hole in it)
Brakes: Well that did cost $400 but if they check anything else it would have been like $800
Replace the battery: $400 (That's because the alignment was so badly out of whack I was steering east when I was driving north - which of course ruined my tires)
Repair the lighter: $400 (Alternator, I don't even know what this does but I hate it so)

So, the last thing I need is the dude putting his greasy nose where it doesn't belong and costing me money that I don't have.

On the bright side, I don't have to worry about scratches, dents, dings, washing it, locking it, (reason being I'm hoping someone steals it), and although I do not have the pride of ownership of an Amish farmer, but it gets me from A to A1 to A2 to A3 to A4 to A5 to B.

Not sure if they're hitting the demo...

Have you seen this ad? I have - every day on Facebook.

'Cept, not quite sure this is what a homeowner who hasn't taken advantage of Obama's refinance plan, looks like. In fact, not even sure this dude owns a home, maybe a trailer, no, maybe a shopping cart and owns, er, lives in a dumpster behind 7-11 - which is why he hasn't taken advantage of the Re-fi plan - and if he does own a home - it has a Meth lab in the back of it.

I mean, seriously? THIS is the best photo the people who put this ad together could come up with?

I came up with a list that could describe this character other than a homeowner.

Let's get the easy one's out of the way:

Hobo. Duh...
Serial killer. The only thing he's missing is a Swastika carved in the middle of his noggin'?
Stalker. I've seen this guy on that TV show, "Missing" a half a dozen times.
The son of God. And actually, this is probably a truer representation than most.

But homeowner, I think not.

Here's some you may not have thought of, (yes, I really have nothing else to do).

Evil scientist. Right? Starring in the new Bruce Willis/Mel Gibson buddy movie, "Die Hard You Jew".
Governmental think tank member. It's always the crazies who get the cushy thinkin' gigs
Poetry Professor at the University at California, Berkeley. He can quote Proust, Thoreau and Whitman  -as well as the range of the high-powered rifle under his desk
Male nursing intern. Again, reality bites fans of 'Grey's Anatomy' again - told ya
The guy preparing your Chalupa. And believe me - he ain't wearing the hat nor paying strict attention to the sign directed at employees coming out of the bathroom

It amazes me that out all the stock photos that are available on the World Wide Web, someone chose this one to represent homeowners who haven't taken advantage of the wonderful Re-fi rates.

But maybe it was really difficult to find a suitable photo of a homeowner - so I decided to try for myself - so I Googled "homeowner".

Here's what came up:

Homeowners, yes. Have never seen a person of color, no.

Photoshopped, yes. People acting like the house is there, no.

Got to love the little tent for the people
doing the photo shoot that's outside

Thank you, but no, a threesome is simply
not in our budget, we just refinanced

No, honey, I think I should sleep here
when the honeymoon is over.

Five minutes. One Google search. C'mon, if you're going to do something do it right, especially when a bijillion people are going to see it. Thank you.

Can I get pregnant if I'm over my Honeymoon period?

I'm just wondering, after a very very very very brutal day in the belly of the ship, work, how'd the whole, "Honeymoon period" saying came about...and why is it over sooo quickly?

Wikipedia says the "Honeymoon period" usually lasts 3 months. 3 months? 3 months?

Well, no disrespect anonymous Wiki-blogger, but you're wrong - mine ended in a month. An end like, Marie-Antoinette-on-Bastille-Day end. And it came without warning, too. 

Damn.

I was hoping for at least another week or two. I mean, 4 weeks is pretty short. You can't even get into a stride in a job in 4 weeks. You're barely understanding the office politics in 4 weeks. I didn't even get my keys or double secret alarm code. I just found the copier yesterday, for Pete's sake.

But boy, is the Honeymoon period great or what?

HONEYMOON PERIOD:

You can do no wrong - and simply your presence will
solve every internal process problem, great or small

HONEYMOON OVER:

You are just like the rest of the
no-good slaves, uh, employees

HONEYMOON PERIOD:

Caesar's first day - and we all know how that ended

HONEYMOON OVER:

You spend every single moment of your
employment seeking escape or praying to be fired,
(that way you can cash-in on unemployment)

During the Honeymoon period you can eat someone else's food from the refrigerator.
"Uh, wha, was that yours? Whoa, sorry, I thought it was, like, communal...sorry."

During the Honeymoon period you can throw your hands up and completely claim stupid.
"Mmm, well, I have no idea how to unjam the copier."

During the Honeymoon period you can take the CEO's parking spot.
"Oh, sir, my bad, I thought it was open parking."

During the Honeymoon period you can get away with downloading porn.
"Uh, yeh, that, that, that was me - I was trying to log into the server and, well, yeh, mmm, I guess it took me to "Big knockers" instead."

During the Honeymoon period you can pretty much break every rule.

"Really? Sexual harassment was mandatory at my last place..."

Here's to hoping your honeymoon period lasts longer than mine did. Now I know how women feel coming off their monthly visitor dealing with men - the hounds are at the door and they are hungry - just leave me alone will ya?

THIS JUST: WE BRING YOU A SPECIAL REPORT

Yesterday, I posted about repeatedly losing my Man Card - and a lot of people asked me if I was making-up the whole watching Project Runway, HGTV, etc, metro, gay, etc...but I wasn't - but I had no proof.

Ironically, this came in the mail yesterday:

Addressed to me:

Guess that Man Card is pretty much gone now. At least I get free panties...

What's in a number? Apparently, a LeBrillion dollars.

Yesterday, LeBron James filed paperwork with the NBA for permission to change his number from 23 to 6. Not that I'm a big LeBron fan, nor sports fan - but I have a court order to listen to sports radio on my commute to and from work in order to keep my Man Card.

It's true.

I keep it right next to my Fry's card on my keychain

Here's the letter I received from one of the departments inside the Man Card office - the Department of Card Kickbacks or D.I.C.K.

It came wrapped in a plain brown envelope, with a Playboy, for good measure

Anyway, James is changing his number and if I was at all a fan that had spent thousands of dollars on his home jersey, away jersey, retro jersey, hanging out at the house jersey, or going to the strip club jersey, I'd be peeved, I mean PISSED, I tell you.

So there you go - a little sports talk to keep my testosterone level equivalent to a naked mole rat - ah, that release did feel pretty good - oh darn, while I was typing my Venti non-fat half caf carmel macchiato got cold.

OK, now I'm depressed

Seems like a happy-go-lucky movie, right? Kate's looking pretty chipper, no? Leo, smoking a stogie, looking all 50s-like dapper, 'Mad Men' even, yes? Yes, from the poster, this will be a film full of the hopes and dreams in a time when the only thing that was stopping one from fulfilling said dream was dreaming the dream itself.

Wrong.

Lemme cut to the chase - after convincing her husband to move to Paris to start a new life and allow him to chase his dreams - she becomes pregnant - they decide not move - she then tries to be the dutiful wife - for one morning - then gives herself an at-home abortion - then dies.

The only person happy in this film was good 'ol Leo cuz he was busy taking a dip in the secretarial pool with some underage notetaker.

Can you pass the popcorn, and the uppers, please?

I, like many these days, rent movies from the box at the grocery store - with many of the selections being nare-do-wells - or released straight to DVD - and the consumer has to choose a movie based on the art and description provided - especially if one hasn't seen it.

This was the description on the screen: It's 1955. Frank and April Wheeler, in the seventh year of their marriage, have fallen into a life that appears to most as being perfect. They live in the Connecticut suburbs with two young children and plan to move to Paris.

This is what it should have been: A woman in the 1950s, who was way ahead of her time, is trapped in a life dominated by men, wants to move to Paris, but gets pregnant, can't move, and kills herself after she gives herself an at-home abortion.

Needless to say, I would not have rented it.

This wasn't the first time a movie poster tricked me into a false sense of security.

False advertising at its finest

Awhhhh, look at the puppy, look at the puppy, look at the puppy...

By the time this movie ended I was more depressed than Oprah after finding out Chicago didn't get the summer Olympics.

Yeh, this movie was going pretty well - funny, smart, dare I say cute, until the f'ing dog gets a life-ending disease - and the family, with two little girls no less, end up burying it in the front yard. Oh yeh, let's go for the serious cry by throwing his leash into the grave for good measure...

Really?

Hit by a car. OK. Lost at sea. OK. Going 'Cujo' on the family, OK - but a long, painful illness that sucks the life out of the dog?

Nice. BTW, the scene when Owen decides to take the dog to the vet to get "The Shot" was pretty awesome, too.

Again, wow, just wow.

I pulled together a few examples to help you pick a movie, that you haven't seen, by the poster on the DVD:

Aliens, yes. Breakdown of the family unit, no.

"Hope floats"? Don't bet on it.

You can be sure there will not be
any life-threatening illness scenes

Husband dies in the first 10 minutes. Yeh, thanks.

If there's any emotion in this it'll be anger

Cute pic - uh, it's not a sleepover movie

So, good luck out there and remember, like they say, you can't judge a book by its cover - except for when there's a flesh-eating alien, stoners, and the headline: "Tonight we dine in hell", on it.