Before you accept that new gig

Before you sign on the dotted line at that new firm, do a little investigative work in the medicine drawer.

Sweet 'n Low, check.
Rubber thing I have no idea what it is, check.
Large paper clip, check.
Non-Aspirin, check.
Ibuprofen, check.
Anxiety Relief, DOH!

OK, who peed in my NCAA pool?

Oh yes, the NCAA tournament is upon us. (I only know this because I listen to Sports Radio to keep my man card - it's one of the conditions of my parole after losing said card).

And millions upon millions of dollars will be wagered, not in Vegas but in offices all over America - with some entry fees well above the $100 level - with winnings in the thousands. Thus, the weeks leading up to the beginning of the tournament, people will be pouring over stats, looking over numbers, to ensure they will be the winner - and rightly so with so much on the line.

This means it's also time thousands of dollars of copy paper to be wasted on the "brackets" that will printed, (mostly on corporate copiers, pretty much without the permission of employers), handed-out and filled-out by those who will enter their office pool.

Example only. To be used for entertainment purposes only, yeh right.

And, while most of the people will use the vast research they have compiled over the past season and weeks leading up to the big games, I will employ my own, secret, but highly successful strategy - a strategy that has already led me to victory in the one time I was forced to enter this stupid ritual.

For those who are not as savvy as I about such sporting traditions, the far left and far right brackets are filled out with the teams that are matched up against each other in what is called the, "First Round". The reason I know this is because the first year I entered I mistakingly filled out the far left and right brackets with my own match-ups - and was severely reprimanded - picky picky.

But back to my super-duper secret pool-winning strategy.

It a complicated animal and mascot prediction model. For instance, in a fight to the death, what would win, this cute, adorable furry Husky puppy...

Look how cute, how cute are you, how cute, how cute are you?

...or this bloody thirsty Badger?

GRRRRRRRR!

If you picked the Badger, you are on your way to winning your office pool!

Now, let's move on to mascots.

Who would win? This guy?

Goooooo team!

Or the Michigan State Spartan?

Who's up for bear meat?

If you picked the bear, I'm sorry to say, but stay in the kiddie pool...

One more try.

The Duck

Nice hat

Or the Texas Mascot, Bevo.

How many ducks you think would fit on his horns?

This is a fool-proof system and if you follow it you will surely win your office pool.

So, good luck. And remember, a Trojan beats a Wildcat, a Gopher always loses to a Boilermaker, (who doesn't lose to a Boilermaker, 'cept an Irish Car bomb, but of course that would be a silly, albeit cool nickname), and never ever ever ever bet against any name or mascot that resembles a devil. Devils cheat.

Blindmanszoo.com is not responsible for any decisions made, financial or otherwise, based on information or links provided by Blindmanszoo.com. We advised all reasders to use discretion when viewing our picks and predictions page. Please bet within your means only! If you encounter gambling problems of any kind, please contact the gambling help authorities in your area and please submit all your problems to us via our contact page or our forum, coming soon. We will try to find answers for your questions, but we can not promise that you will like the answers.

Gérard Depardieu, who knieu?

Watched a little known film last night. "Tous les matins du monde" (All the mornings of the world), and wow it was really wonderful, and when I say wonderful, I mean wonderful.

Especially, Monsieur Depardieu.

I've seen him in a couple other of his films, and when I say films, I mean films, like:

I 'm not sure what was worse, trying to understand
a French dude speaking English, or Andie MacDowell's
unbelievably annoying Texas accent

It was very well done - and the only thing that would have made it better for me was for Ms. MacDowell to keep her yapper shut - other than that - it was really good.

Nice schnoz

Gérard was really good in this, too. And it was set in France so the accent worked - and you know what they say about men with large noses, (they smell things better).

To Americans, he is some annoying French guy who acted in such gems as:

Nice bear

And...

L.L. Cool J got better billing

And of course...

He played a guy named, "Jean Pierre Le Pelt"
Get it? "Le Pelt" Pffff, as the French would say

Of course, filmgoers, and when I say filmgoers, I mean moviegoers, think of him as some douche bag, (that's French), who plays a dim-witted dad, a stupid ass chef and a guy who wants to kidnap puppies.

But in France, this cat is big time, and when I say big time, I mean like gets to sleep with every French starlet huge. He's won the best actor award in France 15 times - Golden Globes...Cannes...

So, take a walk down the foreign film aisle of your local NetFlix and grab "Tous les matins du monde" - it's got tremendous music, a hot, albeit femmish looking guy, a naked boob, (that's for the boyfriend who you will have to wake-up every now and then), and a great story line and maybe you'll be saying, "who knieu?"

You wanna be a cracker?

Has this happened to you?

Or this?

Or this?

Well then, apparently, you're not alone, because now there's this:

Just. Wow. How absolutely stupid are you if you cannot do something as simple as crack an egg?

You're not cracking an atom. You're not cracking a skull to perform brain surgery. You're not solving the global warming issue. You're cracking an egg, one of the most delicate and fragile things in the universe - and apparently, this is a huge problem BUT the EZ Cracker is changing lives.

Did I just read what I read? Ashley...you're a chef and you cannot crack an egg? You're a chef? A chef? I'm sorry but what cooking school did you go to, Le Mordon Blue?

Sorry, Dan B., but, "...takes the hassle out of making breakfast!?" give me a break.

Dan: Shit!
SFX: CRACK CRACK CRACK
Dan: Son-of-a-bitch!
SFX: CRACK CRACK CRACK
Dan: Damn it!
Wife: What wrong, punkin?
Dan: Properly breaking eggs is the bain of my existence...
Wife: Oh, honey, that's because you're using a hammer to break them with...

On the EZ Cracker website there are step-by-step instructions on how to use this high-powered tool of technology to convince you to purchase this wonder of the culinary world:

Huh? Easy, right?

Drops into the bowl without the mess of getting
bird embryo all over the counter

And magically the egg becomes perfectly prepared. And from the looks
of the photo they do not have a problem preparing toast and apparently
have mastered the use of eating utensils

Now, I'm not sure about #3 - if these people have a challenge cracking eggs - I would wager that an open flame on a stove would surely befuddle and be a danger to them.

Now, although I do indeed have mastered the elusive skill of cracking an egg, I did however have to order the EZ Falling Off A Log - I just can't seem to get that down - no matter how easy everyone says it is.

Never mind the Bullock!

Who besides me and Sandra's husband, Jesse James, are far from being in shock that she won the Oscar?

To be fair - I didn't see her performance, I didn't read about her performance, I didn't talk about her performance, but I'm sure it was really really really Oscar-worthy. And when I say Oscar-worthy, I mean, "let's give this chick the statue so we don't have to deal with her any longer."

But then when one thinks about her award-winning role as a southern women with guts - so not Hollywood, so very unique, and when I say unique, I mean, not even close to unique - it's a wonder they even had to open the envelope.

But then again, again, I can't believe she hasn't won before this!

Her scene-stealing role in 'Demolition Man' completely overshadowed her co-star Sly Stallone:

She didn't win the Oscar but she got a pinball game

Or the acting clinic she put on during 'Love Potion No. 9':

Even the movie poster oozed Oscar

Who didn't buy her as the female 'Al Gore' internet guru in 'The Net':

The poster should have read:
Escape is impossible when you're trapped in this movie because
there are large people at the end of your aisle and you're in the middle

And a performance that even James Lipton of the Actor's Studio couldn't even teach when she lit-up the screen in 'Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous'.

Look, she's even getting ready for the Oscars!

There's a whole list, and I mean a whole list of celluloid crap this chick has put out including "Speed 2" Cruise Control', 'Practical Magic', 'Hope floats' (no it doesn't, we've already covered that), just turn on TBS, The Turner Bullock Station, and you can check out just about every movie, I mean film, and when I say film, I mean movie, she's made.

Even she's surprised she won 

So, congrats, Sandra, here's to seeing you starring in more award-winning and unique roles just like the one you played in, uh, mmm, the one where you, uh, mmm, you were that woman who, uh, yeh, hey! look! 'Two if by sea' is on! Can't believe she didn't win for that one either.

You got the making down - now let's work on the pouring.

You're looking at the Black and Decker DCM2000B Coffee maker.

Here's the description: Designed for extracting the rich flavor of coffee, the wide spread showerhead saturates coffee grounds evenly while an eclosed brewing system ensures a superior brewing process. Sneak-A-Cup interrupt feature

Sounds pretty good, right? And the description, while well-written, leaves out an important point: It spills when it pours.

All over the place. In fact, people at my office have to walk to the sink and pour their cup over it in order not to get it on the carpet - and no matter how slowly you pour it, how quickly you pour it, if you do the ol' Mel's Diner waitress pour - you know, you put the pot shoulder high and let it flow into the cup - it spills.

Obviously, this was made for construction people and the like - because when it comes down to it - those people don't really give a crap if they're spilling coffee on a construction site or in the living room on the expensive carpet in the home they're remodeling - but in the office - deal breaker.

Now, Black and Decker makes some really great products, I hear, (I haven't actually used one), and I pulled some together for you:

"Jaws of Life" Jr.

"The Storm Station" - for the men who want to watch the big game
 - they can make it hail, I suppose

Even I know what this is - it's a hole drillerer

This is what a trip to the emergency room for me looks like

All great products, I guess, but these are instruments of destruction - designed to bore, cut and tear and rescue an infant out of a burning toy push car, but when it comes to making a coffee pot that doesn't spill like a low-level gangster gone state's evidence - not so good.

So thank you, Black and Decker, thank you for giving men, woman, DIY'ers and lesbians the tools they need to do the work I will hire them for - but while they're sweating in the midday sun, cutting, boring, ripping, or saving little Johnny from his Playskool push car with The Jaws of Life Jr., I will be pouring a nice cup of coffee from my Euro-made coffee pot. Grazia.

Auto-murder-motive

Here's where my mechanic lives. Nice ain't it? It should be - I paid for it.

That's because my car is a total POS (Piece of shit). No, no, no, it is, and I'm OK with that - in fact, I've known this for quite some time now. There isn't a day that goes by I hear something new rattling around under the dash - I think it's under the dash - god knows I've tried to find it/them - and when I can't find them I employ the ol' bang on things until it stops - it usually doesn't work but it sure helps get out some of the daily stress, that's for sure.

One of the most charming things about my car is that it starts just a little over 82% the first time you turn the key. Eventually, it starts. But the first few hundred times it didn't, my heart dropped like my oil pan did one day, but really, you get over it and now it's pretty funny - I laugh, I say, "You piece of shit" under my breath, and go about my day.

Here's how you know your car is a POS:

The bill from the state to renew your license is only 45 bucks because it is so old they waive the emission testing because they know you're going to fail

Your car is the one everyone wants to take when going to a concert downtown and the only parking is on the street

People stop and ask you if you got hurt in the car accident when there wasn't one

The last thing you're worried about are speed cameras because there ain't no way you're going over the limit and if you are - you're endangering yourself

You're praying that, after turning the car off while at the shop it starts for the dude so he can actually fix it

I began to realize that I, my car, had a problem when my band mates refused to drive in it on the freeway - of course, the brakes were down to the numbs, so I really can't blame them - it stopped, there was a lot of metal on metal grinding - but it stopped - of course, that coincided with the brakes completely failing - as I was trying to stop for a red light - in the middle of traffic - but hey, luckily I've seen a lot of chase scenes and used the emergency brake to stop. Yeh, that was exciting.

How bad is my car - I pulled together some examples of cars that were just a bit better than mine.

Better than my car - they're Hillbillies so it's pretty embarrassing

Better than my car - and I don't have to
use my feet to stop. NOW.

Better than my car - except for the poop

Going to the shop, yeh - good times. I now have a tail light out - and the dance between me and the mechanic will begin:

Me: Yeh, I have a tail light out and need it repaired.
Mechanic: No problem, while it's here I'll check out for any other proble...
Me: NOOOO!
Mechanic: Uh...
Me: No, don't worry your little gear head over that - just fix the tail light, thanks....
Mechanic: OK, bu....
Me: Yeh. thanks, pick up later...

You see, there are soooo many other problems with the car - that every single time I bring it in it costs me $400.

Oil change: $400 (That's because the radiator had a hole in it)
Brakes: Well that did cost $400 but if they check anything else it would have been like $800
Replace the battery: $400 (That's because the alignment was so badly out of whack I was steering east when I was driving north - which of course ruined my tires)
Repair the lighter: $400 (Alternator, I don't even know what this does but I hate it so)

So, the last thing I need is the dude putting his greasy nose where it doesn't belong and costing me money that I don't have.

On the bright side, I don't have to worry about scratches, dents, dings, washing it, locking it, (reason being I'm hoping someone steals it), and although I do not have the pride of ownership of an Amish farmer, but it gets me from A to A1 to A2 to A3 to A4 to A5 to B.