Have we not learned we can't trust robots?

Spent some time in a Sprint store the other day, way too much time, actually - the people behind the glass wall who are in charge of repairing phones screwed way up - which is another story, yet related, so while they worked on a problem that wasn't the problem - I was monkeying around with one of them there new fangled Android phones - I was completely amazed - like the fist time I played Frogger - "Wow, I'm playing a video game and I'm not even in an arcade, rad!" - and man - this thing could do virtually, no, it could do everything.

Surf, turf, browse, buy, look, spy, download, upload, upgrade, tweet, text, reply, ask, check email, voicemail, check the news in Canada, (gotta keep on eye on those people), take pictures, shoot video, update me on Charlie Sheen's rehab stint, EVERYTHING, it was surely a smart phone.

Maybe too smart...

Not in the technologically-advanced-NASA smart way - more like the one-night-while-I-slept-the-thing-would-gain-consciousness-and-kill-me-in-my-sleep smart way. Oh, sure, they call it an Android - but make no mistake - it's a robot.

Back in the day, robots serve as a trusted, loyal companion to humans - executing complicated tasks our puny brains couldn't handle like: mathematical calculations, distance of time and space - but as you can see, humans still didn't trust them a lick.


The Android phone has Artificial Intelligence...uh-huh...

...one of its main functions...uh-huh...

...is to anticipate your every move...uh-huh...

...and help make your life easier...uh-huh...

There's been a lot of robots - here are just a few I could think of:

Here's a helpful robot - she was a pain in the ass

but wouldn't smother you in your sleep

Not a robot, but psychotic nonetheless

Helpful, in the closet but helpful

Really not helpful at all

Mr. Roboto - thank you very much, but no thank you

Look it, I'm all for making life easy - believe me, if there's an easy way out - I'd run-over an elderly man using a walker to be the first one through the door - but there's something to be said for thinking for oneself - making decisions and living with the outcome. OK, maybe robots would have stopped me from wearing those parachute pants back in the day - but then I wouldn't have been able to make that really neat "swishing" sound as I walked - and have enough pockets to even keep my 8-track close at hand - but as far as a phone that tells me what to do? Sorry, that position is filled by my 10-year old.

So - in the end I opted for a simple phone, basic - you know, texting, surfing, email - one that I could boss around. Oops, gotta run - the dryer is telling me my clothes are dry. Or are they?

Of course they're depressed

48% of women in the U.S. are on some sort of anti-depressant.

I believe it and why not - after all - it is a male dominated society, the glass ceiling, raising kids, working, the menstrual cycle that's stuck on repeat like a bad Journey song on your ipod, men...of course you're taking meds. I'm on meds and I don't have half these problems.

But I discovered one thing out of all these that is the sole reason for such wringing of hands, gnashing of teeth, and chugging the White Zinfandel:

The Lifetime Channel.

It should be called the "Kevorkian Channel" because after a few minutes of viewing, I was Googling the good Doctor hoping for a house call.

Lifetime Channel's tagline is, "TV for Women".

I came up with a few that were more in-line with the brand of the Channel:

Lifetime Channel. When suicide fails.

Lifetime Channel. My relationship is shitty anyways.

Lifetime Channel. When you have nothing else to live for.

Lifetime Channel. Watch the channel and you can quit your birth control.

Holy crap - no wonder women are so depressed - the movie listings are a therapists dream:

The stranger who came to the door.

Why does everyone want to kill me?

There's a man hiding in the backseat of my car.

Even my dog hates me.

This could be love. But probably isn't.

My elderly mother. My anchor.

And this is before prime time. In prime time it gets worse. There are a variety of shows that feature death, stress, agony, betrayal, fear, anxiety.

This Channel's shows are like a drug - the more you watch the more you want - and before you know it, you're so depressed - you're popping Paxil like gummy bears and no amount of Cymbalta will help boost your happy happy - my God, after one hour of viewing I was ready to take a short drive in the garage with the door closed and a hose running from the exhaust into the car.

Take Grey's Anatomy. Holy bejezzus.

Yeh, very clever, Dr. Gray wrote the book on anatomy, "Grey" as in the color - life is grey - dissecting life - I fricken get it - but that doesn't mean you have to film it.

There's a lot of things wrong with this show:

The show: Hot doctors

Real life: Cold hands

The show: Everyone is having sex with each other

Real life: Sexual harassment suit

The show: Drinking on call

Real life: Revoking of your license

The show: People die

Real life: People die

(They got that one correct)

The show is a psychological train wreck - wrought with death, stress, agony, betrayal, fear, anxiety - mmm, looks like the programmers at Lifetime are on to something - and enough sex to get a corpse all hot and bothered - but by the time the writers run women through the emotional meat grinder they are so emotionally drained they can't function and it's "hold me, just hold me, just, hold me for God's sakes!" Which means the only people getting laid are the ones on the show.

And this is only one show - there are a whole list of shows just like this - as brutally emotional being shown 2-4-H-O-U-R-S-A-D-A-Y. Of course 48% of women are on meds!

Dear Lifetime Channel, I beg of you... please start mixing in some "Silver Spoons", "Three's Company", or any other inane sitcom - so that men would like to start having sex again.

Thank you.

American Idol: 2 Olympics: 0

I just read that American Idol beat the Olympics in the ratings race for the second time in a row. First, the women of American Idol, then the men of American Idol - now this is tragic.

This is the Olympics, right? The best athletes, in the best games, country a country? National pride is at stake and here we are watching a bunch of Karaoke rejects.

Simon and Goose-ter

But, I have a solution to the ratings problem. The problem is that there isn't enough threat of bodily injury in the games, and by bodily injury, I mean death.

I'm sure, if the Nielsen ratings were around back in the day of the Romans, the ratings for the Christians v the Lions would have been through the roof - although, I have read that "Pagan Idol" was a massive hit back then, but nothing would have topped the carnage that was to be had in the Coliseum.

So, with that thought in mind, I came up with a few suggestions for the Olympic Committee to put a little bit more spice into the games and get those ratings back up to "Charles in Charge" levels.

1. It would be real neat if at the bottom of the ski jump - the jumper would be greeted by a hungry pack of wolves - this way - we don't have to look at your figure skating-esque landing. Judging would include: The jump, the landing, and of course, the surviving.

2. During the Biathlon, instead of shooting at targets, athletes would shoot at each other.

See a theme here? Who's not watching this?

3. Instead of one bobsled going down the hill - let's add another one and make it a bobsled chase scene - now who of you doesn't like a chase scene? Each sled will be equipped "James Bond-style" - you know, machine guns, missles, oil slicks, the works - and instead of first one down the hill is the winner, it's more like the last down is the winner.

4. Snipers along the Cross country ski route. You want to see some record times - how fast are you running, er, sliding, er, skiing, with a 7.62 x 51mm M40, United States Marine Corps. standard issue sniper rifle, aimed at you, huh? But, the people on the trigger wouldn't be pros, this is an amateur competition after all.

5. The losers of the male figure skating competition would suffer the agony of being outfitted by straight guys for an entire year.

Now if that isn't incentive enough to be the best, I don't know what is.

Now if you don't mind, I'm tuning into the Curling competition. And man, what I wouldn't give to see a Leopard seal attack or two.

It's not called a Pacifist Whale

This just in: Killer Whale kills trainer at Sea World.

Tilikum, a 12,000 pound Killer Whale, killed its trainer on Wednesday. However tragic, and it is, lemme let you in on a little secret, it's called a KILLER WHALE. Not Kitten Whale, not Teddy Bear Whale, not Fluffy Whale. K-I-L-L-E-R Whale.

I would be shocked if Snuggles the Snuggle Fabric Softener mascot went on a rampage and murdered everyone on the set of his latest TV spot. Why? Because he name is S-N-U-G-G-L-E-S not K-I-L-L-E-R.

In the story, trainers and people who know Tilikum, like you could ever "know" an animal, (like they've been out for beers with him, hung out eating sushi, watched the 'Hangover' with him), described him as "dangerous".

Really?

This surprises me. After all, he is a K-I-L-L-E-R Whale being held in captivity against his will. In fact, the whale was involved in two other deaths elsewhere. Mmm, and let's see, what did those parks do - yep, ship his black and white ass out of town, they knew he was dangerous.

A former employee said that the K-I-L-L-E-R Whale was kept in isolation from the other killer whales - even the other whales were afraid of him - it's like in 'Escape from Alcatraz' - 'member when that really big scary guy, "Bull" wanted to make Clint Eastwood his wubbie and it got so bad that the guards had to put 'Bull' in I-S-O-L-A-T-I-O-N for the good of the rest of the cons? This is the same thing - only it's a K-I-L-L-E-R Whale. The story goes on to say - trainers were not allowed to get in the water with him because of his violent history.

Again, egg on my face, I would suspect a K-I-L-L-E-R Whale to be docile, swim on his back and want his tummy to be rubbed. Puppy dog kinda behavior.

Look, make no mistake, I am not making light of the trainer's death. I'm trying to point out that these animals, mammals, whatever, are not meant to be kept in captivity - if they were, there'd be killer whale parks, adopt a killer whale day, "Have you hugged your killer whale" bumper stickers. You'd be able to adopt one at your local killer whale shelter, but there isn't one.

I recently took my kids to the zoo and stopped by to check out the Orangutans. Lemme tell you - it was one of the saddest sights. EVER. The main 'tan was sitting in the middle of his jail cell, er, cage, er habitat, just sitting there - motionless, and when I say motionless, I mean the kind of stillness that happens after a couple of Imperial Russian Stouts, (and if you have the means to order a pint I highly recommend it), stoned out of his mind motionless. And his buddies were no better. It was as if they had been up all night playing poker and drinking. They weren't primates, more like prim-ain'ts.

But I'd wager, given the chance, these cats would opt out the second they got the chance, but alas, they no speakie and don't own any firearms - so until they go 'Planet of the apes' on us, they're lifers.

Point is, they're animals. They're animals and dangerous. They're animals and dangerous and given the opportunity they are going to answer the call of the wild like Tiger Woods getting a booty call whilst on tour.

So, Tilikum, buddy, you're in a heck of a mess - and you were only doing what came natural to you - unfortunately, the people with shock sticks pretty much have you by the balls - if you have balls, I'm not sure, I'm not a biologist - but I do know one thing - I know if you get a second chance to have a trainer with you in the tank you'll do exactly what you just did - because you're a K-I-L-L-E-R Whale.

Sparkling Bright is at a new lower price

Whew! Good to know "Sparkling Bright" is at a new lower price. I mean, even though I didn't know what it was going for before I read this ad, (on Thesaurus.com, I guess those looking for words that mean other words have dingy whites), but I'm simply pleased to know it's going to cost me less to be "sparkling bright". But, I beg the question, "Do we really need to be "sparkling bright". Or, better yet, who notices? Have any of you ever stopped someone and commented on their sparkling brightness?

"Uh, excuse me, sir, but, uh, I noticed your wife-beater is well, a bit, mmm, how should I put this, dull...not to say that your wife, who is clearly under your thumb judging by your choice of shirt, doesn't do a great job warshin' your clothes, but maybe you should mention that Sparkling Bright is at a new lower price and you could wear this symbol of male pride proudly?"

Just saying.

No, no one notices and no one cares. Maybe that's why, in order to get us to care, the geniuses who market "sparkling bright" Cheer choose to rope us in with that catchy rhyme, (maybe that's why Rap music is so dang diggity dang, as the kids say, popular).

I did a little research and found that, indeed, marketers have been using rhyming to sell products for ages! In fact, there seems to be science when it comes right down to it. Here are just a few nuggets:

City Link: City Linking, smart thinking.

Granada: Ads work harder in the new Granada.

Haig Scotch: Don't be vague. Ask for Haig.

Kia-Ora: We all adore a Kia-Ora.

Natwest Bank: To save and invest, talk to Natwest.

Nicotinell: It needn't be hell with Nicotinell.

Quavers: The flavour of a Quaver is never known to waver.

Radio Rentals: Stay contented, get Radio Rented.

Teletext: Don't get vexed. Ask Teletext.

Bartender: What'll have, pal?

Guy: Gimme a Dewars and water.

Bartender: Sorry, but you're being a little vague, can you be more specific?

Guy: Dewars. Dewars and water.

Bartender: I have no idea what you are talking about - you're being so vague.

Guy: Haig.

Bartender: Ah. Why didn't you say so in the beginning.

I guess my barkeep must be real good at reading between the lines, because every time I ordered a Dewars, I, uh, well, got a Dewars.

But then again, maybe sparkling brighter clothes can make someone feel better about themselves. Can be that single motivating factor that gives them the strength to pick themselves up by their bootstraps when the chips are down and hope is strapped to the electric chair at the eleventh hour waiting for the governor's call. Maybe sparkling brighter tighty whiteys were what push Obama to victory and it is for history to recount the fact that McCain's boxers were simply just not white enough - even for him.

So here's to you, Cheer - here's to you making ever single day a brighter one. Making every moment the most sparklest one. And now, now that you've dropped the price and are making "Sparkling Bright" even more affordable to the great unwashed, there's again hope in the world, there's a true sense of revival.

And as we watch our sparkling bright drawers hang on the clothesline of care blowing in the winds of change, let us bow our heads and be mindful that because of you there's a person wearing a sparkling bright shirt dressed in the belief they are going to get that job - going to get that raise - going to get that girl/guy but unfortunately will come face to face with the harsh reality that because you had the generosity to offer sparkling bright at a new lower price every other person applying for that job, vying for that raise, chasing after that girl/guy, will have a sparkling bright shirt as well, and well, at least they got your fucking product at a new lower price.