Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Sparkling Bright is at a new lower price



Whew! Good to know "Sparkling Bright" is at a new lower price. I mean, even though I didn't know what it was going for before I read this ad, (on Thesaurus.com, I guess those looking for words that mean other words have dingy whites), but I'm simply pleased to know it's going to cost me less to be "sparkling bright". But, I beg the question, "Do we really need to be "sparkling bright". Or, better yet, who notices? Have any of you ever stopped someone and commented on their sparkling brightness?

"Uh, excuse me, sir, but, uh, I noticed your wife-beater is well, a bit, mmm, how should I put this, dull...not to say that your wife, who is clearly under your thumb judging by your choice of shirt, doesn't do a great job warshin' your clothes, but maybe you should mention that Sparkling Bright is at a new lower price and you could wear this symbol of male pride proudly?"

Just saying.



No, no one notices and no one cares. Maybe that's why, in order to get us to care, the geniuses who market "sparkling bright" Cheer choose to rope us in with that catchy rhyme, (maybe that's why Rap music is so dang diggity dang, as the kids say, popular).

I did a little research and found that, indeed, marketers have been using rhyming to sell products for ages! In fact, there seems to be science when it comes right down to it. Here are just a few nuggets:

City Link: City Linking, smart thinking.
Granada: Ads work harder in the new Granada.
Haig Scotch: Don't be vague. Ask for Haig.
Kia-Ora: We all adore a Kia-Ora.
Natwest Bank: To save and invest, talk to Natwest.
Nicotinell: It needn't be hell with Nicotinell.
Quavers: The flavour of a Quaver is never known to waver.
Radio Rentals: Stay contented, get Radio Rented.
Teletext: Don't get vexed. Ask Teletext.


Bartender: What'll have, pal?
Guy: Gimme a Dewars and water.
Bartender: Sorry, but you're being a little vague, can you be more specific?
Guy: Dewars. Dewars and water.
Bartender: I have no idea what you are talking about - you're being so vague.
Guy: Haig.
Bartender: Ah. Why didn't you say so in the beginning.

I guess my barkeep must be real good at reading between the lines, because every time I ordered a Dewars, I, uh, well, got a Dewars.

But then again, maybe sparkling brighter clothes can make someone feel better about themselves. Can be that single motivating factor that gives them the strength to pick themselves up by their bootstraps when the chips are down and hope is strapped to the electric chair at the eleventh hour waiting for the governor's call. Maybe sparkling brighter tighty whiteys were what push Obama to victory and it is for history to recount the fact that McCain's boxers were simply just not white enough - even for him.

So here's to you, Cheer - here's to you making ever single day a brighter one. Making every moment the most sparklest one. And now, now that you've dropped the price and are making "Sparkling Bright" even more affordable to the great unwashed, there's again hope in the world, there's a true sense of revival.

And as we watch our sparkling bright drawers hang on the clothesline of care blowing in the winds of change, let us bow our heads and be mindful that because of you there's a person wearing a sparkling bright shirt dressed in the belief they are going to get that job - going to get that raise - going to get that girl/guy but unfortunately will come face to face with the harsh reality that because you had the generosity to offer sparkling bright at a new lower price every other person applying for that job, vying for that raise, chasing after that girl/guy, will have a sparkling bright shirt as well, and well, at least they got your fucking product at a new lower price.







1 comment:

  1. I'm working on the next installment of doll-themed horror movies... Chucky vs Snuggles.

    ReplyDelete