I just love when you talk like Yoda when we make love

OK, don't get the wrong idea, I may be on Mancard probation list, but I am not, nor will I ever be a member of the Geek to Geek online dating service.

Yes, this exists.

Basically, it's just like match.com, chemistry.com or eharmony.com, but for nerds like this guy:

Mommy, the geek won't let me ride

This is a profile shot from the site's streaming video. Looking for love in all the McDonald playlands, huh? In the news story where Skippy was featured, the report also gave us the top geek books:

No. 6 was the dictionary

The site is pretty thorough and loaded with tips for the geeks, er members, to help them through the tough trials and tribulations of dating and then finding love.

And step-by-step info for those who have a hard time fitting in. Anywhere.

Hmm, never talk about politics, religion or previous relationships...but hey feel free to talk about Dungeon and Dragons, Wizards, Warlocks, interfaces, Bill Gates, and the reason why the 'Fellowship of the Ring' couldn't just fly the giant eagles over the Orcs to get to Mount Doom to destroy the Ring.

Yeh, that's not a date killer.

There's tips for the ladies on the site as well. Ladies that like geeks.

First off, "geeks don't have the necessary skills to approach a potential partner." Necessary skills like, a personality, yeh that little problem.

One tip to attract and keep a geek is "Ask him to teach you about something he enjoys like chess, bridge or World of Warcraft."

Geek: What do you want to do tonight, honey?
Hot woman who loves geeks: Let's start a fire, open a nice bottle of wine and play World of Warcraft.

Apparently, griping about your computer to your geeky hunk is another way to get his attention.

Hot woman who loves geeks but has low self-esteem: Oh, Beanie, my computer crashed and I don't know what to do.
Geek: I can install Linux instead of making-out. That would be so hot.

Going to a computer or geek convention of some sort is another way of landing a hot pen protective wearing geek. Yeh, there's nothing hotter or sexier than hitting on a guy wearing a Jaba the Hut outfit.

Here's something I did not know and still wish I didn't - the number one way to turn on a geek is to tell him you don't understand and watch the magic fly.

Hot woman who loves geeks but has been hurt so many times before by hotter men than her: Dickey, I just don't get this TV remote.
Geek: Oh baby, you know just how to push my buttons.

And finally, praise him for his accomplishments.

Hot woman who loves geeks but has been hurt so many times before by hotter men than her and just would rather be with a geek: Oh my gosh, Stevie, there are only a limited number of hierarchal Modrons in existence and only one Primus and oh my god, you just spawned from the Energy Pool in the center of the Regulus to fill the void left by the Monodrone into a Duodrone!

Basically, I'm thinking, the geek combusts on the spot and she can rest comfortably knowing she won't have to "do it" tonight.

Wondering why geeks make great lovers? I did.

Geeks don't cheat. They instinctively, much like Ewoks, stay devoted to one mate
Geeks appreciate their mates. Geeks aren't quite sure how they ended up with the person they're with, mainly because they are human and not a computer
Geeks haven't formed bad relationship habits. Because it's their first relationship and pretty much have just been weened from their mother
Geeks are good at the things they try. It could be role playing, chess, hacking, playing video games or finding the "G" spot, once geeks get it they are the best at it
Geeks are not interested in status. Geeks became geeks because they chose to spend their time doing things that wouldn't necessarily make them popular in school, like breathing heavy, having snot on their shirt, and the incessant use of an inhaler
Geeks have imagination. Boredom is important to avoid to the game playing geek. A geek will seek new and creative ways to play - role playing as Leah and Luke being one game

Unfortunately, the list doesn't really cover actual 'love-making" so I'm thinking a dog would suffice as an even better partner.


Another section is a list of famous geeks, now, you'd think that the likes of Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Weird Al Yankovic, Matt Lauer, and Millhouse would be listed right?

Not so fast "I'm a PC"...

Here's the number one geek on the site:

Wha wha wha wha?

And another:

Lemee think about thi..nope

And another:

Call him a geek to his face and he'll kick your geek ass

And finally:

They nailed this one. Boy, listening to the Pogues, having tattoos
and playing acoustic guitar! OMG he is a geek!

But, just in case the geeks can't find love here - they always can visit one one of the advertisers sites:

 "I love geeks as long as I can stay in the country."

One note, the owner of Geek to Geek, a geek, said that although she has not heard of any marriages between members  - there are plenty of healthy relationships. I'm guessing acting stupid, playing role playing games online, accepting the fact that 2 (or 3 or 4) computer monitors will come before your wardrobe, hanging out with his geeky friends, constantly reassuring him he is a He-Man, literally, and having to dress-up like Uhura to get his Kirk up, is healthy.

BTW, I'm pretty happy about this blog - you have no idea how hard it is to type with a Chewbaca outfit on.

These days, vampires suck

Thanks, Anne Rice, thanks a lot.  Yep, I blame her for hypnotizing women and gay men with her stupid novels about vampires and making it sooooo couture to be a vampire.

The original badass vampire:

Vlad the Impaler. Now that's a vampire

Not even close to being badass:

Nice eye shadow

Before Anne Rice:

Bela was cool and got chicks

After Anne Rice

Not really interested in chicks

Before Anne Rice:

Uh, yeh, pretty much think the actor WAS a vampire

After Anne Rice:

What the hell is up with the Victorian costumes, man.
And, I'm sorry, can you be a little more femme?

Before Anne Rice:

He scared me

After Anne Rice:

He doesn't

I say bring back dirty, grungy, filthy vampires - the kind that scare the living daylights outta ya - the kind that make you so frightened you don't want to turn the light off - not the kind that turn you on.

Or, the kind that makes you laugh.

My kind of vampire

Not

Yeh, this makes me feel better about my salary

Just when I thought I was doing pretty good salary wise - I had to come across this:

Add caption

It's the 'ESPN Salary Crunch'!

Or the "After reading how much these guys make I realized I sucked" calculator.

Here's how it works: Joe here just agreed, yeh, "agreed" - any one of you ever "agree" to a salary at a job you were about to take - more like "gave-in" to a salary...any way, all one has to do is put their salary into the box - press the button and it will tell you how long it will take for Joe here to make that money.

So, I looked up the average salary for the American worker, (it's $25,000), and put that in and found out the answer.

The cash makes up for having to live in Minnesota

As you can see, he doesn't even have to play an entire game, nor hit a home run, nor have an RBI, (sports term), or have a hit to make $25,000 - oh, and by the way, one making $25,000 would have to work over 821 years to make that kind of money. Tough gig, Joe.

Then there's this guy:

With that kind of cabbage you'd think he could afford a better haircut

Tim here only has to show-up for a seven inning game, I mean, he doesn't even have to play, get one and half strikes on a batter, pitch half of an inning, and wouldn't have to win a game...not bad for a 20-year old.

We have this guy:

Hmm, Detroit...you got scammed Justin

It would only take you 640 years to make this dude's salary.

Now, I get it - supply/demand - and if they can get it good for them. But it is quite ridiculous when you think that teachers, police officers and fire fighters make close to nothing.

Oh and by the way, thanks ESPN for posting this on your site - not sure if you were making a point about the insane amount of money these players make or you just wanted to make Joe Construction Worker, who by the way is your demo, feel like crap about his minimum wage.

No, you start it!

I can start a fire

I can start an argument

I can start a conga line. I never would, but I could

But for the life of me I couldn't start this on Saturday:

Had to cut my grass - but we do not own a lawn mower - so I went across the street and asked the  neighbor, who happens to be a man's man, if I could borrow his.

He agreed - brought it over - and left to go to work.

Now, my challenges of maledom and the things they are supposed to be able to do are well documented, but never did I think I wouldn't be able to start it.

Nothing - not one thing I did made it start. So instead of making an ass out of myself out in the front of the house - I wheeled into the backyard and did the most natural thing any red-blooded male would do: I went for a bike ride.

It was late in the afternoon when the neighbor returned and when he pulled up he looked at my unkept, uncut lawn and gave me a look like, "What the?"

I sheepishly explained to him that I couldn't get the mower to start. (I made up this excuse like, "I think I over primed it." I heard that one time, thought it would worked - it didn't.) I'm telling you - he gave me such an incredulous look like, "What a nancy boy..."

He walked up to the mower and with one pull it started. He was about to go ahed and starting working on the lawn himself - but no one cuts my lawn buster!

I was proud of myself that I was able to get the grass catcher bag thingy off without injuring myself - so I had that going for me.

Guess this gives new meaning, "No, you start it." "No, you start it." "I'm not gonna start it you start it."

OK, if you insist - go ahead - start it - but I'm gonna finish it!

It's a strip club not a Mormon Temple

Those were the words I used when replying to someone telling me that she heard that a friend of hers, a bride groom, got a bit upset when a hunky stripper got a little too close to his soon to be bride during a bachelor/bachelorette party at a strip club.

C'mon now - no reason for fist-a-cuffs, pal, is there? You are at a STRIP CLUB. What did this dude think - that there'd be some decorum? Some respect? Some holding back of the vulgarity?

You are at a STRIP CLUB!

Worse yet, you decided to have the par-tay at a strip club. Who does that? And more importantly, why? Just hold it at a brothel? At least if friskiness did prevail - it would be expected.

I thought about this for a second, and I came up with a couple of honeymoon spots for people who think strips clubs are a good place to hold their pre-wedding festivities.

TAGLINE: Everything is paid for, even your divorce

"What a lovely sunset. I wonder what my husband is doing?"

If you're going to go - go all the way for gawd sakes

Dear Bride Groom who thought it was a good idea to have his pre-nuptials at a strip club and got into a fight after beefcake stripper hit on your soon-to-be-wife,

Don't be a dope and it's your own fault.

Plus, now that you're worried about opening Pandora's box, literally, maybe next time you will do the vanilla thing, reserve the party room at The Olive Garden and have a sensible, boring and g-string-less celebration.

Sincerely,

Blind man's zoo

The Jayhawks have fallen and they can't get up

OK, you may have thought I was completely being stupid, but once again my super duper double secret strategy of picking winners in the NCAA basketball tournament has come through.

No one, no one, and I mean no one, picked Northern Iowa...

Scary...

...Panthers to beat the No. 1 Kansas...

How lame is this?

Jayhawks...but they did...

Man, this is too good to be true - now I wish I could do this well in my Project Runway pool...

Who's (kinda) da man?

This just in: The Temple Owls were just upset, sports tern, by the Cornell Bears.

The interesting and most astounding proof that my super quadruple secret college basketball picking system works:

Cornell...

Grrrr....

Temple...

Hoot hoot don't pollute

Sure, Bears beat Owls, every time, but, Cornell is from the Ivy League, yes, a bunch of nerds beat a bunch of thugs.

Who woulda thunk?

Me...