It's not called a Pacifist Whale

This just in: Killer Whale kills trainer at Sea World.

Tilikum, a 12,000 pound Killer Whale, killed its trainer on Wednesday. However tragic, and it is, lemme let you in on a little secret, it's called a KILLER WHALE. Not Kitten Whale, not Teddy Bear Whale, not Fluffy Whale. K-I-L-L-E-R Whale.

I would be shocked if Snuggles the Snuggle Fabric Softener mascot went on a rampage and murdered everyone on the set of his latest TV spot. Why? Because he name is S-N-U-G-G-L-E-S not K-I-L-L-E-R.

In the story, trainers and people who know Tilikum, like you could ever "know" an animal, (like they've been out for beers with him, hung out eating sushi, watched the 'Hangover' with him), described him as "dangerous".

Really?

This surprises me. After all, he is a K-I-L-L-E-R Whale being held in captivity against his will. In fact, the whale was involved in two other deaths elsewhere. Mmm, and let's see, what did those parks do - yep, ship his black and white ass out of town, they knew he was dangerous.

A former employee said that the K-I-L-L-E-R Whale was kept in isolation from the other killer whales - even the other whales were afraid of him - it's like in 'Escape from Alcatraz' - 'member when that really big scary guy, "Bull" wanted to make Clint Eastwood his wubbie and it got so bad that the guards had to put 'Bull' in I-S-O-L-A-T-I-O-N for the good of the rest of the cons? This is the same thing - only it's a K-I-L-L-E-R Whale. The story goes on to say - trainers were not allowed to get in the water with him because of his violent history.

Again, egg on my face, I would suspect a K-I-L-L-E-R Whale to be docile, swim on his back and want his tummy to be rubbed. Puppy dog kinda behavior.

Look, make no mistake, I am not making light of the trainer's death. I'm trying to point out that these animals, mammals, whatever, are not meant to be kept in captivity - if they were, there'd be killer whale parks, adopt a killer whale day, "Have you hugged your killer whale" bumper stickers. You'd be able to adopt one at your local killer whale shelter, but there isn't one.

I recently took my kids to the zoo and stopped by to check out the Orangutans. Lemme tell you - it was one of the saddest sights. EVER. The main 'tan was sitting in the middle of his jail cell, er, cage, er habitat, just sitting there - motionless, and when I say motionless, I mean the kind of stillness that happens after a couple of Imperial Russian Stouts, (and if you have the means to order a pint I highly recommend it), stoned out of his mind motionless. And his buddies were no better. It was as if they had been up all night playing poker and drinking. They weren't primates, more like prim-ain'ts.

But I'd wager, given the chance, these cats would opt out the second they got the chance, but alas, they no speakie and don't own any firearms - so until they go 'Planet of the apes' on us, they're lifers.

Point is, they're animals. They're animals and dangerous. They're animals and dangerous and given the opportunity they are going to answer the call of the wild like Tiger Woods getting a booty call whilst on tour.

So, Tilikum, buddy, you're in a heck of a mess - and you were only doing what came natural to you - unfortunately, the people with shock sticks pretty much have you by the balls - if you have balls, I'm not sure, I'm not a biologist - but I do know one thing - I know if you get a second chance to have a trainer with you in the tank you'll do exactly what you just did - because you're a K-I-L-L-E-R Whale.