American Idol: 2 Olympics: 0

I just read that American Idol beat the Olympics in the ratings race for the second time in a row. First, the women of American Idol, then the men of American Idol - now this is tragic.

This is the Olympics, right? The best athletes, in the best games, country a country? National pride is at stake and here we are watching a bunch of Karaoke rejects.

Simon and Goose-ter

But, I have a solution to the ratings problem. The problem is that there isn't enough threat of bodily injury in the games, and by bodily injury, I mean death.

I'm sure, if the Nielsen ratings were around back in the day of the Romans, the ratings for the Christians v the Lions would have been through the roof - although, I have read that "Pagan Idol" was a massive hit back then, but nothing would have topped the carnage that was to be had in the Coliseum.

So, with that thought in mind, I came up with a few suggestions for the Olympic Committee to put a little bit more spice into the games and get those ratings back up to "Charles in Charge" levels.

1. It would be real neat if at the bottom of the ski jump - the jumper would be greeted by a hungry pack of wolves - this way - we don't have to look at your figure skating-esque landing. Judging would include: The jump, the landing, and of course, the surviving.

2. During the Biathlon, instead of shooting at targets, athletes would shoot at each other.

See a theme here? Who's not watching this?

3. Instead of one bobsled going down the hill - let's add another one and make it a bobsled chase scene - now who of you doesn't like a chase scene? Each sled will be equipped "James Bond-style" - you know, machine guns, missles, oil slicks, the works - and instead of first one down the hill is the winner, it's more like the last down is the winner.

4. Snipers along the Cross country ski route. You want to see some record times - how fast are you running, er, sliding, er, skiing, with a 7.62 x 51mm M40, United States Marine Corps. standard issue sniper rifle, aimed at you, huh? But, the people on the trigger wouldn't be pros, this is an amateur competition after all.

5. The losers of the male figure skating competition would suffer the agony of being outfitted by straight guys for an entire year.

Now if that isn't incentive enough to be the best, I don't know what is.

Now if you don't mind, I'm tuning into the Curling competition. And man, what I wouldn't give to see a Leopard seal attack or two.