OK, now I'm depressed

Seems like a happy-go-lucky movie, right? Kate's looking pretty chipper, no? Leo, smoking a stogie, looking all 50s-like dapper, 'Mad Men' even, yes? Yes, from the poster, this will be a film full of the hopes and dreams in a time when the only thing that was stopping one from fulfilling said dream was dreaming the dream itself.

Wrong.

Lemme cut to the chase - after convincing her husband to move to Paris to start a new life and allow him to chase his dreams - she becomes pregnant - they decide not move - she then tries to be the dutiful wife - for one morning - then gives herself an at-home abortion - then dies.

The only person happy in this film was good 'ol Leo cuz he was busy taking a dip in the secretarial pool with some underage notetaker.

Can you pass the popcorn, and the uppers, please?

I, like many these days, rent movies from the box at the grocery store - with many of the selections being nare-do-wells - or released straight to DVD - and the consumer has to choose a movie based on the art and description provided - especially if one hasn't seen it.

This was the description on the screen: It's 1955. Frank and April Wheeler, in the seventh year of their marriage, have fallen into a life that appears to most as being perfect. They live in the Connecticut suburbs with two young children and plan to move to Paris.

This is what it should have been: A woman in the 1950s, who was way ahead of her time, is trapped in a life dominated by men, wants to move to Paris, but gets pregnant, can't move, and kills herself after she gives herself an at-home abortion.

Needless to say, I would not have rented it.

This wasn't the first time a movie poster tricked me into a false sense of security.

False advertising at its finest

Awhhhh, look at the puppy, look at the puppy, look at the puppy...

By the time this movie ended I was more depressed than Oprah after finding out Chicago didn't get the summer Olympics.

Yeh, this movie was going pretty well - funny, smart, dare I say cute, until the f'ing dog gets a life-ending disease - and the family, with two little girls no less, end up burying it in the front yard. Oh yeh, let's go for the serious cry by throwing his leash into the grave for good measure...

Really?

Hit by a car. OK. Lost at sea. OK. Going 'Cujo' on the family, OK - but a long, painful illness that sucks the life out of the dog?

Nice. BTW, the scene when Owen decides to take the dog to the vet to get "The Shot" was pretty awesome, too.

Again, wow, just wow.

I pulled together a few examples to help you pick a movie, that you haven't seen, by the poster on the DVD:

Aliens, yes. Breakdown of the family unit, no.

"Hope floats"? Don't bet on it.

You can be sure there will not be
any life-threatening illness scenes

Husband dies in the first 10 minutes. Yeh, thanks.

If there's any emotion in this it'll be anger

Cute pic - uh, it's not a sleepover movie

So, good luck out there and remember, like they say, you can't judge a book by its cover - except for when there's a flesh-eating alien, stoners, and the headline: "Tonight we dine in hell", on it.